On Your Marks, Get Set, Go.

So it’s been a little while… And it will probably be a while until the next one if I’m being honest.

If you don’t know me personally, or don’t follow my Instagram, you wouldn’t be aware of some pretty big news – I’m pregnant! I’m currently 27 weeks along, and to say this experience has been a rollercoaster would be an understatement. I could go into the various ways pregnancy has and is changing me, but I wanted to touch on one topic in particular – Stretch marks. Well, stretch marks, body image, body changes, coping with it all… You get the idea. It’s been a while since I’ve done a little brain dump on here, and this felt like the perfect opportunity to get the mess in my brain out into the real world.

Let’s Just Cut to the Chase.

I’m a stretch marked person – I have been since I was a teenager. I always knew that pregnancy (if I ever became pregnant) would bring on its own collection of marks. So when my first one appeared, it wasn’t a surprise. When I was younger, my negative perception of stretch marks and body image issues had me in such a chokehold, that I actually feared ever getting pregnant, simply because I knew my body would most likely be covered in more marks and scars. I’m happy to say I moved passed those fears, clearly. But to say that I’m completely unbothered by my changing body would be a lie.

It’s a really bittersweet thing to watch your body change so much over a handful of months (for me at least). On one hand, watching my body make room for my ever growing baby is magical. I know that as I grow, my baby does too. And as we grow together, it brings me more and more comfort knowing that they are safe and healthy and will continue to take up space in this world. On the other hand, it has also made me feel completely out of control with my own self. Nausea, exhaustion, a sore body, anxiety, all of these things pile on and can make my mind a cloudy and messy place, which has made me question my self-perception again. I can’t seem to figure out if I’m happy or sad when I look in the mirror, and I feel guilty for feeling the latter.

How It Started.

My first pregnancy stretch mark appeared only about a month ago, and I was a big ball of mixed emotions when I noticed it. Looking back, I’m surprised I even spotted the thing – it was so tiny, it’s honestly comical that it sent me into a spiral. Now, my stomach is pretty much covered. As time goes on, the marks are creeping up and around, slowly encasing my baby from the outside. My decades-old stretch marks have decided they also want to join the party and have started to expand as well. My body is officially, permanently changed. And that’s a tough pill to swallow! I obviously knew that pregnancy would change me in a multitude of ways, but for some reason this one is stuck in my mind.

I had a déja vu moment the other day – I was Googling things like “how to love your pregnancy stretch marks” or “I like my pregnancy stretch marks” just trying to find someone out there who was talking about how they learned to accept their marks, or even how they were trying to, and all I could find were treatments and products that were trying to sell me the idea that they could “cure” and get rid of my stretch marks. It reminded me of when I tried to do similar searches on eye bags, which ultimately led me to write up a blog post about them. It was so saddening and frustrating to A. not find what I was looking for, and B. to realize we still live in a world where stretch marks and scars are seen as this awful thing that can’t exist. I mean, no wonder I’m having a hard time accepting my changing body – The world has literally always told me I shouldn’t!

Time is Ticking Away.

I have three months left until baby is born. Three more months of growing to do, both physically, and mentally. Three more months of learning to accept these changes and be kind to them. Three more months until all of this will be the least of my concerns. Because deep down, I know that once baby is here, I will be so preoccupied by trying to keep them alive, that the last thing I want on my mind will be how my body scarred in order to let baby grow into themselves. I only have three months left of feeling my baby kick, wiggle, stretch and hiccup inside my tummy, and I should really be taking it all in before it’s gone. Time truly is ticking away, and I’m sure it’ll speed up even more once baby is in my arms.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that pregnancy is beautiful, but also really fucking hard. It’s taken a toll on me that I never could have imagined. It’s also been one of the best things I’ve experienced. And yes, my body is forever changed, but it begs the question – Is that really such a bad thing? Is it really so terrible to grow a human inside your body and forever be a new person because of it? No. And I might not be able to believe that every day, but I think I have to try. If not for me, then for the little baby that only has three months left in my beautiful belly.